Selection Criteria

For anyone wondering why the recent study carried out in the UK failed to find the XMRV virus, the following piece may shed some light on the matter. I don't know who Peter Kemp is, but I'd like to thank him for writing this!

I wanted to study the nature of penguins.
by Peter Kemp

The 'Canadian' definition of penguins is that they are:

Flightless
They can swim
Largest species up to 1.2 metres tall
They eat mostly fish
They lay 1 or 2 eggs
They generally live in colonies

The 'CDC' definition of these birds is that they are:

Flightless
They sometimes eat fish
They lay eggs
They can swim

The 'Oxford' definition is that these birds are:
Flightless
They lay eggs

The 'Oxford' criteria was chosen for the research as the others were
too difficult to apply. 100 subjects who met the research criteria were studied in
Sub-Saharan Africa.

The research found that penguins:

Live in deserts
Cannot swim
Are up to 2.4 metres tall
Weigh 200 pounds
Capable of speeds up to 40 mph on land
Are mostly vegetarian.

Conclusion:
The research has discovered the truth about penguins. Those funny black and white
birds waddling on the ice and swimming in the sea are making fools of everyone.
They are not real penguins and should be excluded from all further research into
penguins.